I'm really ADHD'ing out and it's a little freaky. Everything is pissing my off.
I don't know... It's like some kind of a mild OCD tangent... I'm really pissing me off. Just relax and think of something happy?? I try, and then get flooded... I'm trying to just calm the fuck down. I should blog or something, maybe. I guess here is my answer to that thought. Sometimes writing helps, but I'm so fuckin' antsy that I don't know if I could sit through that. Plus the more freaked out I get, the more geeked out I get with an obsession for perfect linguistics. It might just push the tangent over board.
It's all good. Don't blog. Go for a walk.
Have you ever seen 'The Aviator'? It's got Leonardo De Caprio in it. He's an OCD aircraft inventor, and he goes all crazy with the compulsiveness and then eventually the obsession kicks in so much that he looses the ability to function socially for long lengths of time. I don't quite feel crazy to that extent, however; I do feel a little bit like a wired meth head right now. It's almost like that same grind, the pacing, the insanity, the nervousness, the heightened speed of thought, hyper aware of the surroundings and all the other parts that come along with. I've only been sleeping like 2 hours a night for about a week, not because I'm not tired, but because I just can't fuckin' relax. Sorry to be all weird and shit, but I think that some degree of interaction is keeping me distracted from the bouncing leg and fidgeting.
Have you tried cleaning??
Yes, everything is spotless... I'm only sorry I guess because I'm really not used of reaching out for a 'rock of solidarity'. Usually I am that rock for so many others, always being leaned on and never really needing to lean. Or at least that's what it seems like. It's more likely that I really should be leaning a little more then what I have been though. You know, just a little bit here and there, keeping me from flipping my lid so much.
My jaw hurts from clenching so much, I smell horrible from sweating so much. My hair is dirty and my clothes are gross. I've seen better days.
Have a shower. A cold one.
Is that what would help from mething out? Some people have described the two as a very similar experience. Maybe it is, I really don't know. All that I have to understand their mentality is being told that it can be the same over stimulated and under-stimulated parts of the brain that are effected in a similar manner. I think the hardest part in all of this is knowing that aside from medication, there is nothing that I can really do. It makes me feel like I'm actually a crazy person. Amanda was always able to sooth the embarrassment in reminding me that I'm not crazy, and that it's just an imbalance. I don't know if that actually makes me feel any more secure or not.
If this is similar to meth, I really can't understand why anyone would want this though. I feel it as a curse, not a blessing. And some people actually take Ritalin to get high... What the fuck is that?!?! I've taken it a couple times when I was a little kid, and I hated it. it kept me feeling so numb to the world, so bland to everything, over relaxed and lazy to the extent of being nothing but blank. I know that isn't what happens to a regular person, but I would rather be crazy then put under some kind of a chemical restraint.
All I know is that I need to keep myself distracted and keep my mind stimulated and challenged, occupied and not vacant. I need to keep the tangent to a minimum. Usually sleep deprivation helps as an alternative means to medication, however this time is a little more intense then the usual course of the temporary flair of loony bin insanity. I have to remember that this is nothing but a flair up, and not the way that it always is.
The idea is that hopefully through some kind of communicative means of mental release and vocalization, there should be the post effect of natural calming and relaxation. The one, of many things, that I refuse to pursue is medication, therefore, No Ritalin, No medication, No negotiations. Not only is altering my present state of mind completely against all of my personal morals and boundaries, I means that I would also have to go talk to a shrink about all my ‘issues’, their derivatives, my past, my present, my outlook on the future. It means that I would have to spend some lengthy amount of time on a lame ass couch sweating my hyper self-awareness out to a random doctor who would undoubtedly sit in his chair, ask probing questions, exclaim “Mmmmhmmmm” quite often, and ultimately offer no advice beyond a prescription pad and a pen.
I know that there will be change one day, but I don’t know if I could handle it when it gets here….
Joshua FACT
www.factandfiction.ca
NNP!
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Chill. Many people experience this type of thing and are loathe to admit it. Eat, sleep and exercise. Strive for balance even when you feel like you're spinning of your axis. Clean your whole damn house, eat something protein rich and then go for a run...you're ok...really...in fact you are totally alive! And if you're not completely worn out after running around your neighborhood a few times, do it again, have a shower and go to bed. I used to swim until my body felt like rubber. What's making you feel wired is adrenaline and adrenaline needs to be burned or absorbed and eliminated from the body - otherwise in excess it makes you fidgety, hyper and sick. Not sleeping aggravates it, as your body will produce more adrenaline to keep you awake, exercise helps you burn it off, food helps absorb it. The tension I'd wager is old stressors and traumas that have been stored in your body and as your body heals from them - in a way relives it and releases all the stress hormones either stored in your muscles or in effect making you physically relive those times. Your body has memory and it will keep trying to heal itself. It's good that you don't want to medicate the feeling away. That would just mask your natural process of healing. You can message me if it happens again.
ReplyDeleteOne stranger to another...don't medicate. Keep writing and creating when you get restless. Make sure you're eating right and getting some exercise, even if it's just a walk.
ReplyDeleteThere are those in this world who are born for a different purpose. As their time comes closer, they feel more and more restless...more like there is something that they should be doing, but they're not quite sure what that something is. Don't let the feeling drive you nuts...accept it and follow your instincts. You're not alone.